Understanding How She Feels...

I believe in the last several months of my life, I've learned extreme patience. I've given a lot of things that were taxing on myself in order to benefit other people I've been involved in relationships with. These are mainly romantic relationships, mind you. I got to the point where I would always be so available to them...stopping things I was involved in at the drop of a dime to be at their beckon call, being the shoulder to cry on, and understanding feelings and needs. In the mean time, I've found myself to be completely unappreciated. I was sitting here tonight during a babysitting favor watching "The Break Up." It's apparent the female character, Brooke, in the movie works her fingers to the bone to support and provide for the male character. While he, on the other hand, takes her for granted and lives his life for him only. It's the basis of selfishness. And while she goes unappreciated, he goes unaware. When the problem is finally brought to light and he finally understands what has brought her to the conclusion of walking away, it's too late; she has nothing else left to give him. She is spent.

I've gotten to the point of feeling like I gave my all to make things work...to make whomever I was with feel loved, cared for, and appreciated. There were late nights I jumped in the car to make an hour trip and take care of him when he was sick...late nights I went to go offer emotional support...and times when he had no one else to take his stress out on but me (and I took it). But when I ask for the simplest of things...for quality time, for affirmation, for a spark of interest in what I need...I have received absolutely nothing in return but a silent phone, an empty inbox, and a lonely apartment. I came to a point where fighting to keep him wasn't even a thought anymore. I had utterly given up because I was spent too.

That may mean that I'll spend the holiday without a date to the office parties, a kiss on New Years, or a warm body to snuggle up with for a movie when it snows. Sadly...I'm okay with that. Because if I'm not getting my needs fulfilled in the first place, those things would never keep me happy anyways. At some point I know there will be a man who appreciates me (despite the flaws). Someone who loves to have my support and care and who loves to support and care for me in return. I look forward to that. But until then...I'm done acquiring men who are too selfish to see past their own need. I'm done waiting around for them to "get it" and hoping they do while I suffer through an empty relationship. At the first sight of that selfishness I will now flee. Because selfish men don't change...selfish men will take and take while you give your last ounce of love.

So I understand how how Brooke feels. I'll do exactly what she did...walk away.

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The Art of Waiting...

I've been known to be quite impatient at times. So impatient, in fact, that I'd rather go without then wait for something. On the rare occasion that the waiting may bring about something of great desire, I have to rate whether or not it was worth my time and effort. So on few occasions, I've been known to wait it out. On more occasions, I've been known to wait and then give up. On most occasions, I just walk away and chalk it up to not being worth my time.

So I've recently began to evaluate something and it's worth in my time and waiting. Will I get what I desire or is my wait in vain? It is, most certainly, an art. The worth of this thing is still undetermined. There is a chance that after waiting the full frame of time to obtain this, I still might not get it. The chances are 50/50 if I wait out the whole time and even less if I give up now and move on.

Regardless of what I conclude, I'll do it with a mind made up. It would make it so much easier if the journey concluded today and I wouldn't have to decide much further if I should keep waiting. Then again...the art of waiting would no longer be an art.

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Here...

There’s a place I’ve been looking for
That took me in and out of buildings
Behind windows, walls and doors
And I thought I found it
Couple times, even settled down
And I’d hang around just long enough
To find my way back out
I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me

CHORUS
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin’
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I’ve cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here .. oh baby

It’s amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me
In this moment here with you
And it passed me by
God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding
What I never thought I’d find
I know now, there’s a million roads
I had to take
To get me in your arms that way
Rascal Flatts Lyrics on www.lyrics-celebrities.anekatips.com

CHORUS
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin’
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I’ve cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

In a love I never thought I’d get to get to .. here
And if that’s the road
God made me take to be with you

CHORUS
And I wouldn’t change a thing
I’d walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin’
And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears
I’ve cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

And I’d relive all the years
And be thankful for all the tears
I’ve cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here
Oh, baby .. ooo
Oh, got me here

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Could There Be More?

This may end up being one of my mother's favorite blogs...because tonight I'm going to be just a little sentimental. As a teenager, I remember the one thing I always had on my mind--growing up and getting married. Even at such a young age, I'd pray fervently for the man I would marry and hoping the day I'd meet him would come very soon. Now, several years later with several relationships under my belt and none that lasted very long, I believe I might have lost the passion I once had for the person I will call my husband. All these thoughts were born of a Bunco night last night. Sitting across from women my age (most of which were married), I felt a little empty. They were all happy and loving their lives and their families. I felt a little twinge of desire for something more than what I've become so used to. I'd become very content in my single life. I don't think too often about the thought of marriage and my dating escapades have become more of a thing of sport rather than a means of building a meaningful relationship. I've lost the passion for "my husband." I began to think a lot about a certain person whom, at one time, had been the one thing I saw myself with and the one thing I truly believed was whom God meant for me to marry. My mom was astonished at how freely I talked about my desire to marry him and my dreams of building a family. That really never faded but time and circumstances brought me to a point where I found the dream to be impossible. Now, a while later, I look back at my thought of impossibility to thinking, "Lord, can this still be a possibility?" I'm reminded of a song by Rascal Flatts "Bless the Broken Road." A broken road is full of impossibility and sometimes we feel that a journey down it would end in heartbreak. But at the end, could I find what I've been looking for?

Coming up on the Holiday Season, I have become a little more questioning in what is ahead of me. Can the brick wall I once found have just been a "closed for construction" sign? There are so many questions that would need to be answered, so many compromises that would need to be made, and so many steps that we were afraid to take to bring me to that place. But today, my heart is longing for the day when I can finally call someone "home" and begin to build my home on that foundation. That might be different when the Holiday is over and I'll go back to being completely cut off from emotion and desire when it comes to marriage. But today...the day would've been complete coming home to some eager arms, some loving kisses, and my best friend. May I come to a day when I can truly say, "How could I ask for more?"


There's nothing like the warmth of a summer afternoon
Waking to the sunlight, and being cradled by the moon
Catching fireflies at night
Building castles in the sand
Kissing Mama's face goodnight
Holding Daddy's hand
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

Running barefoot through the grass
A little hide and go seek
Being so in love, that you can hardly eat
Dancing in the dark, when there's no one else around
Being bundled 'neath the covers, watching snow
Fall to the ground
Thank you Lord, how could I ask for more

So many things I thought would bring me happiness
Some dreams that are realities today
Such an irony the things that mean the most to me
Are the memories that I've made along the way

So if there's anything I've learned
From this journey I am on
Simple truths will keep you going
Simple love will keep you strong
Cause there are questions without answers
Flames that never die
Heartaches we go through are often blessings in disguise
So thank you Lord, oh thank you Lord
How could I ask for more

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